Blaming Each Other

Now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. Romans 8:1-2

If positive communication enhances a relationship, then negative communication sabotages it. Another common pattern of negative communication is the Hawk. Typical phrases from a Hawk include “It’s all your fault” or “If you had listened to me, we wouldn’t be in this mess.” In this communication style, one spouse blames the other for everything. The Hawk is the boss, the dictator, and the one in charge who never does anything wrong. He or she might even veer into verbally abusive statements such as, “You never do anything right,” “You always botch it up,” “How could you be so stupid?” or, “If it weren’t for you, everything would be fine.” The Hawk never takes responsibility for a problem.

Usually, Hawks are suffering from low self-esteem. They cannot admit that they are wrong because that would confirm the sense of failure they already feel. The Hawk needs the healing touch of the biblical reality: All are sinners, but in Christ we are forgiven. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ, as Romans 8 tells us; instead, if we have confessed our sins, we are free from them. If Christ does not condemn us, how can we condemn each other? Marital communication is one forgiven sinner talking to another.

If you see the Hawk pattern at work in your marriage, ask for God’s forgiveness and make a fresh start. We are all equal before God although we have different roles and responsibilities.

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